A bend in the road
I am really getting excited about Brent's home coming. Getting into "routine" has never been a problem for us after a deployment or long separation. I have noticed so much emotional and relational growth during this deployment for both of us and that is what I am excited about the most. I want to see how all of this positive change and maturity sets a path toward the next step in our life. I can see a curve in the road ahead and instead of fearing it I am running toward it with my eyes wide open. I almost feel like yelling grab your helmet baby because we are in for a wild ride! Almost, to actually do something like that would be completely out of character for me.
The return home always holds so much emotion. I can only speak from my personal experience and I am sure it is different for everyone but in the past it has always been a mix of elation, excitement and fear. So many questions would fill my mind before Brent even stepped off the plane. What will he look like? How will he act? How much has he changed? What experiences did he have and how will they affect him? Will he still love me? Where do we go from here?
Those first twenty four hours after home coming are almost euphoric being able to see him, touch him, feel him, smell him and hear him clearly. There is nothing like watching those first few moments he spends hugging our children. Nothing like watching him start the bond between father and child especially since he has always left when our youngest are to young to know who he is other then a voice over the speaker phone and a picture we call daddy. I can tell he feels that rush too although I am sure he would describe it differently.
We have had the rough returns where after the joy of the first twenty four hours wear off reality sets in. It feels like I am dancing with a stranger I do not know what to say or how to act, we do not touch and it is easier to sit in separate rooms to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being together. Our routine is all we have. It is the uneasiness of the unknown as I wait for all the answers to those silent questions to be revealed. The hardest return was his last deployment it was followed quickly by the birth of our fourth child and then two months later a 15 month remote. That nearly two year period in our marriage left a lot of emotional scarring. We held on and survived, those scars have made us tough, we made it through what many marriages can not.
This deployment has been much different then past deployments. I actually feel closer to Brent, the physical separation has not had the same affect that it had in the past. We have been more open in our communication, or at least I have, telling him as much as I can about what is going on in the lives of our children and in my own life. Brent has been much more understanding and supportive verbally which has been absolutely wonderful for me. This deployment had a different type of stress to it as well. While we both tend to worry about each other I think it was him that has been more worried about me this time around which is a complete reverse from the past.
Two days after Brent left my 24 year old sister passed away. While her death was completely expected it was still extremely difficult to cope with alone. Explaining it all to my older children and helping them process the grief is actually something I am still doing on a regular basis as they come up with new questions and fears about life and death. Changes in plans and routines were difficult and as soon as I felt I had everything somewhat set and under control it all fell apart again. I also had a disagreement with my side of the family, there was a lot of hurt on both sides, however I know that if I had kept my mouth shut it never would have happened. After that I did what was best for my family at the time and requested a break from visits until Brent got back home. As you can imagine the entire ordeal caused a lot of stress not only for me but for my children. There has been a lot of sickness passed around between the five kids, an emergency room visit that ended in an overnight hospital stay and an urgent care visit as the result of Justice getting two lumps on his head in the same week. Our washer has broken and the first repair guy tried to rip me off, the main light in our living blew out completely, I have had blown fuses and currently our heat pump is acting up to top it all off. This does not even cover the list of crazy events that seem to take place on a day to day basis at our house. I think all of that explains how different the stress has been compared to past deployments and why Brent is probably more worried about me then I am for him!
Looking back to October 22nd it feels like an eternity has gone by so much has happened. It is funny how often people ask why I don't have a head full of gray hair after observing my crew and realizing I am currently doing this all on my own. Lately though I have started to wonder that myself! The only thing I can come up with is for one I try to find the joy in every situation. Not all of the past six months have been joyful please do not misunderstand that but usually there is some little nugget of good wrapped up in the chaos. Sometimes it takes awhile to see that joy, sometimes others have to point it out to me while I am trying to pick up the pieces but it is always there. Another thing that comes to mind and this may just be my fanciful imagination but I think God is trying to keep me young allowing me to keep a few of these lost months with my groom. Maybe just maybe after the kids are gone, grown up and on their own and my hair has turned a salt and pepper gray I will still be able to enjoy some of those lost moments with my husband. Perhaps those days will be added on to the end of our journey on this earth. I don't know if that is really what is going on but it sure is nice to think about and I do enjoy the dream.
Well for now though I am looking forward to what is around the corner. Every adventure offers a new opportunity and over the years through trial and many errors on our part we have learned to grab on to those opportunities and see just how far they go. I can tell good things are around the corner. Our marriage has never been stronger or happier and we are not even together! Just think about how great it will be once he is home. Faith, hope, prayer, love and just being plain old stubborn is what has gotten us this far, tomorrow is another day with a forecast full of all of the above.
The return home always holds so much emotion. I can only speak from my personal experience and I am sure it is different for everyone but in the past it has always been a mix of elation, excitement and fear. So many questions would fill my mind before Brent even stepped off the plane. What will he look like? How will he act? How much has he changed? What experiences did he have and how will they affect him? Will he still love me? Where do we go from here?
Those first twenty four hours after home coming are almost euphoric being able to see him, touch him, feel him, smell him and hear him clearly. There is nothing like watching those first few moments he spends hugging our children. Nothing like watching him start the bond between father and child especially since he has always left when our youngest are to young to know who he is other then a voice over the speaker phone and a picture we call daddy. I can tell he feels that rush too although I am sure he would describe it differently.
We have had the rough returns where after the joy of the first twenty four hours wear off reality sets in. It feels like I am dancing with a stranger I do not know what to say or how to act, we do not touch and it is easier to sit in separate rooms to avoid the uncomfortable feeling of being together. Our routine is all we have. It is the uneasiness of the unknown as I wait for all the answers to those silent questions to be revealed. The hardest return was his last deployment it was followed quickly by the birth of our fourth child and then two months later a 15 month remote. That nearly two year period in our marriage left a lot of emotional scarring. We held on and survived, those scars have made us tough, we made it through what many marriages can not.
This deployment has been much different then past deployments. I actually feel closer to Brent, the physical separation has not had the same affect that it had in the past. We have been more open in our communication, or at least I have, telling him as much as I can about what is going on in the lives of our children and in my own life. Brent has been much more understanding and supportive verbally which has been absolutely wonderful for me. This deployment had a different type of stress to it as well. While we both tend to worry about each other I think it was him that has been more worried about me this time around which is a complete reverse from the past.
Two days after Brent left my 24 year old sister passed away. While her death was completely expected it was still extremely difficult to cope with alone. Explaining it all to my older children and helping them process the grief is actually something I am still doing on a regular basis as they come up with new questions and fears about life and death. Changes in plans and routines were difficult and as soon as I felt I had everything somewhat set and under control it all fell apart again. I also had a disagreement with my side of the family, there was a lot of hurt on both sides, however I know that if I had kept my mouth shut it never would have happened. After that I did what was best for my family at the time and requested a break from visits until Brent got back home. As you can imagine the entire ordeal caused a lot of stress not only for me but for my children. There has been a lot of sickness passed around between the five kids, an emergency room visit that ended in an overnight hospital stay and an urgent care visit as the result of Justice getting two lumps on his head in the same week. Our washer has broken and the first repair guy tried to rip me off, the main light in our living blew out completely, I have had blown fuses and currently our heat pump is acting up to top it all off. This does not even cover the list of crazy events that seem to take place on a day to day basis at our house. I think all of that explains how different the stress has been compared to past deployments and why Brent is probably more worried about me then I am for him!
Looking back to October 22nd it feels like an eternity has gone by so much has happened. It is funny how often people ask why I don't have a head full of gray hair after observing my crew and realizing I am currently doing this all on my own. Lately though I have started to wonder that myself! The only thing I can come up with is for one I try to find the joy in every situation. Not all of the past six months have been joyful please do not misunderstand that but usually there is some little nugget of good wrapped up in the chaos. Sometimes it takes awhile to see that joy, sometimes others have to point it out to me while I am trying to pick up the pieces but it is always there. Another thing that comes to mind and this may just be my fanciful imagination but I think God is trying to keep me young allowing me to keep a few of these lost months with my groom. Maybe just maybe after the kids are gone, grown up and on their own and my hair has turned a salt and pepper gray I will still be able to enjoy some of those lost moments with my husband. Perhaps those days will be added on to the end of our journey on this earth. I don't know if that is really what is going on but it sure is nice to think about and I do enjoy the dream.
Well for now though I am looking forward to what is around the corner. Every adventure offers a new opportunity and over the years through trial and many errors on our part we have learned to grab on to those opportunities and see just how far they go. I can tell good things are around the corner. Our marriage has never been stronger or happier and we are not even together! Just think about how great it will be once he is home. Faith, hope, prayer, love and just being plain old stubborn is what has gotten us this far, tomorrow is another day with a forecast full of all of the above.
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